is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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