im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
