Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
