Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
