New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
