Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
