he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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