I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
