Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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