I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
