I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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