i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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