Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
