I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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