Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
