Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
