Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
