just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
