Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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