I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
