can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
