So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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