Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
