wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize