Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
