Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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