So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
