I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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