After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
