took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He passed out mid-signature
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
