My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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