i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
