Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
