How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
