sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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