are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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