I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
