you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
