Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize