My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
