I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
