You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
