it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
