now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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