God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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