I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
