Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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