Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
