His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
