I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
ugly people sure do ruin things
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
