highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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