Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
