I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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