Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
