I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
