i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am available for nakedness
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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