I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
