Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
