Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
