I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize