It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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