brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I just sharted jello shots
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