Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
